After thinking about it and knowing that we both swore this was a son from conception, we took the step to name him. Even though he didn't grow, and was never born, he was still living at some point and is still a person and deserves to be recognized as such. Our little angel is named Joshua and he will never be forgotten.
Tomorrows sunrise is for you, my beautiful <3
Hanky Drive: A Chance to Get Your Hanky Sooner!!! | Lil Angels Hankies
If you get a chance to help out this awesome organization, please do!
Lil Angel Hankies provides personalized embroidered handkerchiefs to give to families grieving during pregnancy/infant/child loss, free of charge!
I requested mine the week I found out about the babys passing and can't wait to display photos when I receive it. Even though this amazing organization provides such an amazing service to grieving families, there is such a huge demand for the handkerchiefs that the turn around is sometimes six months or more, so they could use all of the help they can get!
In honor of pregnancy and infant loss awareness month I plan on taking part in this photo project, joining hundreds of other women who have done the same.
I plan on doing the project through this blog so starting October 1 expect more regular posts.
So Yesterday the East Texas State Fair was going on so we took the kids. I'll admit it was a pretty fun day despite turning into a boiled lobster from sunburn. Too bad I didn't pay much attention to the warning on my antibiotic that I'm not supposed to be out in the sun very long. Or take the pills with milk... Both offenses committed in two days. Oops.
Well, since the last time I wrote, things have changed so very much. During this time I intentionally avoided posting here as a way of coping because I didn't want to face the truth myself.
Following the ultrasound on the 4th I scheduled an appointment with an ob/gyn to have testing and another ultrasound done because I had doubts on the validity of the blighted ovum per what the ultrasound from the er visit said.
My appointment was scheduled on September 11 and the morning of I made sure to go by the hospital and take a peek at those records from the er visit where the ultrasound was performed. Upon viewing my records, it was obvious that the ultrasound showed a little fetus measuring 6w0d, but at that time there was no heartbeat possibly because it was just too early. So that gave me hope that maybe, maybe the Ultrasound revealing the blighted ovum was wrong, but if it was right it would be a step in confirming embryonic reabsorbtion.
On the 11 when I had my Ultrasound at the ob office it was discovered that there was, in fact, not a blighted ovum at all, but a tiny baby that had stopped developing at 6w2d, or August 30. Just two days after my er visit. To be totally honest I wasn't expecting that, so I was in a sorry of denial. I spoke with the doctor and decided that scheduling a d&c was best since I had already been carrying the dead fetus for 2 weeks and I wasnt emotionally able to keep waiting to pass it naturally and face the possibility that I would be alone during the process with my children... I scheduled it for September 14.
In a sense, there was relief because I finally knew that there was an end in sight, but I needed to grieve the child I lost.
Come Friday we get to the hospital bright and early and complete all pre op tests, including another ultrasound, which confirmed everything a second time. My friend and husband were there with me so I wasnt going through it alone.
After I woke up from the procedure I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders and I could move on and grieve for sure.
Now I am just finishing the rest of my recovery following an allergic reaction to one of my surgery meds and a uterine infection. My bleeding is nearly gone, but the more active I am, the more I bleed. My dr told me that as soon as the bleeding is totally gone that we are able to try again, so now it's just waiting to heal.
I have a book about grieving a miscarriage and a butterfly necklace for my angel baby. I have already begun planning a memorial tattoo that I plan on having put on my wrist.
Unfortunately, while I am using the app, this is all I feel like writing, but I will post some pictures.
Well, the news wasn't good. I was diagnosed with something called a blighted ovum during the ultrasound. What that is is that there is a sac that forms and high pregnancy hormone levels but no baby develops in the sac. Fortunately for me there is a pocket of blood forming around the sac so I'm close to passing it.
I'm going to be totally honest when I say just how much this hurts... emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. There is no way to speed this up so I have to wait for nature to take its course.
So very broken inside...
Well, here it comes. Tomorrow around 11am I will be having my ultrasound to see how my little one is. I hope and pray that there is a strong drumming heartbeat beating in peanuts chest. As the hours tick closer, the more afraid I become. The what ifs terrify me but the hope of all of the people praying with me helps to lift me up.
Hoping everything goes well tomorrow and I will have good news to report.
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