Day 3

Self Portrait After Loss

I really debated which of my pictures to add that really described this journey, so I chose these two.
The photo on the left is when I was in pre-op waiting for my turn for my d&c. At that time I was very emotionally numb. I had not cried or grieved and to be totally honest, the full reality of what happened had not even hit me yet. I was just... there.. without being there.

The photo on the left was taken last week and I felt I needed to put on a smile. I tried to make it look un-fake, but failed miserably. The hurt is still in my eyes. I am ready for that hurt to go away.

Day 2

This Is like a reminder that I was happy. After trying for 8 months, charting, taking supplements, and praying, it finally happened! 
We had so much joy!

Day 1

Sunrise.
This is a photo I took a few Weeks ago since I wasnt able to get a photo of todays.

October is a month of healing, and many many birthdays, including Abigail turning 3 and my own 23rd.

A Step to Moving On

After thinking about it and knowing that we both swore this was a son from conception, we took the step to name him. Even though he didn't grow, and was never born, he was still living at some point and is still a person and deserves to be recognized as such. Our little angel is named Joshua and he will never be forgotten.

Tomorrows sunrise is for you, my beautiful <3

Lil Angel Hankies

Hanky Drive: A Chance to Get Your Hanky Sooner!!! | Lil Angels Hankies

If you get a chance to help out this awesome organization, please do!

Lil Angel Hankies provides personalized embroidered handkerchiefs to give to families grieving during pregnancy/infant/child loss, free of charge!

I requested mine the week I found out about the babys passing and can't wait to display photos when I receive it. Even though this amazing organization provides such an amazing service to grieving families, there is such a huge demand for the handkerchiefs that the turn around is sometimes six months or more, so they could use all of the help they can get!

Capture Your Grief photo project

CarlyMarie Project Heal | Capture Your Grief this October 2012 for Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

In honor of pregnancy and infant loss awareness month I plan on taking part in this photo project, joining hundreds of other women who have done the same.

I plan on doing the project through this blog so starting October 1 expect more regular posts.

The best distraction-Family fun

So Yesterday the East Texas State Fair was going on so we took the kids. I'll admit it was a pretty fun day despite turning into a boiled lobster from sunburn. Too bad I didn't pay much attention to the warning on my antibiotic that I'm not supposed to be out in the sun very long. Or take the pills with milk... Both offenses committed in two days. Oops.

Anyway, the kids had lots of fun, and I'll admit that I did too.

What's Been Happening

Well, since the last time I wrote, things have changed so very much. During this time I intentionally avoided posting here as a way of coping because I didn't want to face the truth myself.

Following the ultrasound on the 4th I scheduled an appointment with an ob/gyn to have testing and another ultrasound done because I had doubts on the validity of the blighted ovum per what the ultrasound from the er visit said.
My appointment was scheduled on September 11 and the morning of I made sure to go by the hospital and take a peek at those records from the er visit where the ultrasound was performed. Upon viewing my records, it was obvious that the ultrasound showed a little fetus measuring 6w0d, but at that time there was no heartbeat possibly because it was just too early. So that gave me hope that maybe, maybe the Ultrasound revealing the blighted ovum was wrong, but if it was right it would be a step in confirming embryonic reabsorbtion.
On the 11 when I had my Ultrasound at the ob office it was discovered that there was, in fact, not a blighted ovum at all, but a tiny baby that had stopped developing at 6w2d, or August 30. Just two days after my er visit. To be totally honest I wasn't expecting that, so I was in a sorry of denial. I spoke with the doctor and decided that scheduling a d&c was best since I had already been carrying the dead fetus for 2 weeks and I wasnt emotionally able to keep waiting to pass it naturally and face the possibility that I would be alone during the process with my children... I scheduled it for September 14.

In a sense, there was relief because I finally knew that there was an end in sight, but I needed to grieve the child I lost.

Come Friday we get to the hospital bright and early and complete all pre op tests, including another ultrasound, which confirmed everything a second time. My friend and husband were there with me so I wasnt going through it alone.

After I woke up from the procedure I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders and I could move on and grieve for sure.

Now I am just finishing the rest of my recovery following an allergic reaction to one of my surgery meds and a uterine infection. My bleeding is nearly gone, but the more active I am, the more I bleed. My dr told me that as soon as the bleeding is totally gone that we are able to try again, so now it's just waiting to heal.

I have a book about grieving a miscarriage and a butterfly necklace for my angel baby. I have already begun planning a memorial tattoo that I plan on having put on my wrist.

Unfortunately, while I am using the app, this is all I feel like writing, but I will post some pictures.

Empty

Well, the news wasn't good. I was diagnosed with something called a blighted ovum during the ultrasound. What that is is that there is a sac that forms and high pregnancy hormone levels but no baby develops in the sac. Fortunately for me there is a pocket of blood forming around the sac so I'm close to passing it.

I'm going to be totally honest when I say just how much this hurts... emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. There is no way to speed this up so I have to wait for nature to take its course.

So very broken inside...

Tomorrow is the Big Day

Well, here it comes. Tomorrow around 11am I will be having my ultrasound to see how my little one is. I hope and pray that there is a strong drumming heartbeat beating in peanuts chest. As the hours tick closer, the more afraid I become. The what ifs terrify me but the hope of all of the people praying with me helps to lift me up.

Hoping everything goes well tomorrow and I will have good news to report.

Pregnancy Progress- 7 Weeks

As time ticks closer to Tuesday where we find out the status on our little bean I figure I might as well continue with my Weekly updates as usual.

How far along? 7 weeks 5 days

Weight gain/loss: About 3 lb or so

Maternity clothes? No, but the belly band is quickly becoming my best friend.

Sleep? Yes! Always tired!

Best moment this week? Didn't really have one...

Food Cravings: Chinese food.

Gender: Not yet.

Belly button in or out? In

Movement: Still too early.

What I miss? A stiff drink... especially when I really need one.

What I'm looking forward to: Hearing my baby is healthy....

Milestones: From I-Am-Pregnant:
 This week your baby has an amazing growth spurt. At the beginning of this week, your baby is approximately 4 to 5 mm and by the end of the week it has more than doubled to 11 to 13 mm! Your baby weighs approximately 0.03 ounces. Most women are ready for the world to know they are pregnant. Whenever you are ready to spread the news with your friends and family, consider the many unique and creative ways of doing so to make this a special time in your life! Even though you have not changed very much yet, it will come soon! You might have gained a small amount of weight by now, but it should only be a couple of pounds at this time. It is not unusual to lose a few pounds or remain the same though. Internally, cervical mucus is thickening and will form a plug in the cervical canal. The plug seals your cervix throughout the pregnancy and it will be expelled prior to delivery when your cervix begins to dilate. 

Within your developing baby, leg and arm buds are longer now and they have divided into segments where the hands and feet will be. The hands and feet also have an area where the fingers and toes will begin to form. At this point of your pregnancy, the heart is bulging from the body and it has divided into right and left chambers. The hemispheres of the brain are continuing to grow and the air passages into the lungs are visible. The eyes are beginning to get pigment at this time as well. The nose is developing and the beginning of the face can be seen. Likewise, the abdomen is developing quickly and the appendix and pancreas are already present. As the digestive tract is beginning to form, the hindgut is present. The shape of the tail can still be seen, but it will fade in 3 or 4 weeks. 

http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/images/6weeks.jpg

The Worst Waiting Game

On Tuesday the 28 I started cramping menstrual like and having some bright red spotting. I went to the hospital and a sonogram and bloodwork were done. My lvls were 20944 which is perfect for this gestational age but the sonogram showed that even though little peanut was measuring 8weeks there was no heartbeat. The doctor told me that sometimes this is because the due dates can be off by up to 2 weeks, therefore making it just simply too early to see a heartbeat. I have another ultrasound this next Tuesday and hopefully the little heartbeat will be chugging along... If not we will discuss what happens next.

I cried hard like I never cried before. Still, there is hope. I still have the week until its called...

Pregnancy Progress- 6 Weeks

How far along? 6 weeks 4 days

Weight gain/loss: None as far as I know

Maternity clothes? Not yet, but as more of my jeans succumb to the increasing amount of bloat that is filling out my midsection. 

Sleep? Absolutely exhausted... zzz

Best moment this week? Realizing that my baby's heart started beating yesterday :D

Food Cravings: I'm wanting chips and verde salsa and verde enchiladas. 

Gender: No new updates.

Belly button in or out? In

Movement: Still too early.

What I miss? A glass of wine... some days would be better with one.

What I'm looking forward to: Knowing that the birth is financially taken care of.

Milestones: From 3D Pregnancy:

Starting to look like a human baby!
http://www.pregnology.com/faralong.php?month=4&day=14&year=2013

This week starts a period of rapid cellular development for your baby-to-be, who looks like a mini tadpole, with a tiny head and tail. His or her eyes, ears and mouth have begun to form (though they're a little more Discovery Channel "creatures of the sea" documentary than Gerber Baby at this point).

Other exciting milestones include:

Your baby's heart is now beating to a regular beat, although it's still too faint to hear.

His or her arm buds are just beginning to, well, bud. They look like teensy swollen bumps at this point. In a few days, they'll resemble itsy-bitsy flippers.

Your baby has grown to ⅛ inch long—about the size of one of the chocolate sprinkles on your last cupcake (and your last ice cream cone, and your last sundae and your last giant cookie ... maybe there is something to those rumors about pregnancy cravings!).

My Scary Moment

On Thursday the 16th I was at work and started having intense pelvic and ovarian type pain. I was freaked out and immediately left my shift to go the er, thinking I was miscarrying.

When I got to the hospital er I signed in and started waiting, texting my husband to hurry up and get there because I didn't want to be alone. A dark headed woman came up to me and introduced herself as Misty. She had overheard the concern in my voice when I was explaining what was happening to the triage nurse. She held my hand and we talked about how scared I was and how much I wanted and already loved and how much I wanted this baby. She stayed with me for an hour and a half while Jeff finished his shift and came over to join me. I never got her last name but she was basically a guardian angel for me at that moment.

Once I finally got called back they gave me a heplock and took several tubes of blood to begin labwork. I put a hospital gown on and about another hour of waiting I was taken back for an ultrasound.
Back at the ultrasound I was too early for the tech to be able to see anything using the abdominal wand  so he needed to use the vaginal probe... Fun stuff! I wasn't allowed to look while the ultrasound was being performed but I caught a peek of the little space in my uterus that was my little one.

I was discharged about an hour later because everything looked good with my little one. I was measuring 5w 3d and was looking good. The pain was a result of a corpus lutuem cyst and round ligament pain emphasized by stress, so doctors orders were to take the next few days and rest to try to de-stress. So I took Friday off to rest.

So far that's my scariest moment and I hope that it stays that way since I am so paranoid of something happening to this baby.

Ouch :(

Pregnancy Progress- 5 Weeks

How far along? 5 weeks

Weight gain/loss: None so far

Maternity clothes? No, but I am having some trouble zipping up my pants from all of the bloat, so I have pulled out the old Belly Band (which, thanks to the Trendy Top I can wear and still keep the pregnancy discreet) which helps immensely!

Sleep? More, please!

Best moment this week? After an ER trip that scared the heck out of me I found out that the baby is perfectly healthy! I also got to take a tiny peek at the ultrasound when it was being done and I saw only one sac and bean in there, lol.

Food Cravings: Cinnamon rolls and eggs over medium! No, seriously! And even though I couldn't get actual cinnamon rolls, the pancakes worked just fine! No kidding, it was delicious! 

Yes, that is an over medium egg ON TOP OF the cinnamon pancake.
Absolutely delicious!

Gender: I can't wait to know! Only 10 more weeks until I can find out!

Belly button in or out? In

Movement: Still too early.

What I miss? Having more energy. 

What I'm looking forward to: Being able to announce the pregnancy publicly. Showing! Seeing my little on on the ultrasound. Feeling movement :)

Milestones: From I Am Pregnant: 

Your `fetus`, about 5 weeks old 

You are now in your second month of pregnancy and your developing baby is 3 weeks! You might just be finding out that you are pregnant and may have many concerns and questions. Some women still do not realize that they are pregnant yet. You might have already had a positive pregnancy test. Many tests can show a positive test result 10 days after conception, but it is recommended that you wait until you have actually missed your period. The baby has not grown very much from last week and is now approximately 1.25 mm long. You will not `show` yet for some time. 

At this point in your pregnancy, you may begin to experience some symptoms. One early symptom of pregnancy is nausea. Some women will actually vomit and others will not. The nausea and/or vomiting that occur during pregnancy are called morning sickness. Most of the time morning sickness is worse in the morning, but not always. Morning sickness does usually improve or disappear by the end of the first trimester. Another early sign of pregnancy is the increased need to urinate. Frequent urination can continue throughout the remainder of the pregnancy because of the growing uterus and increased amount of fluids you are drinking. Many women also notice breast changes early in pregnancy. It is common to feel a tingling or sore sensation in the breasts or nipples. You might notice that the area around the nipple, the areola, becomes darker during pregnancy. It is also not uncommon to feel tired or fatigued at this point. You might feel like you need to nap at lunchtime and you may need to go to bed earlier to accommodate your body's needs. 

As early as this week, the plate that will become the heart has developed. Your baby's brain, spinal cord, muscles, and bone formation are also beginning to form. The baby's skeleton is forming at this time as well. The embryo has a distinct organization that has a top, bottom, left, right, front and back. It is important that you continue or begin to take your prenatal vitamins to prevent birth defects. 

On your initial doctors visit you may be checked on Hematocrit, hemoglobin, white blood cell count, blood group type, Rh factor, antibodies to blood group antigens, VDRL, rubella anti-Body titer, hepatitis B, toxoplasmosis, urine culture, and HIV. 

Sometimes as early as the second month of pregnancy, the insides of your hands and the bottoms of your feet may itch and take on a reddish hue. This annoying condition is called palmar erythema. The increased color is nothing more than a curiosity of pregnancy. http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/Pregnancy/calendar/week/5

How Fascinating! 

Pregnancy Progress- 4 Weeks

How far along?

I'm backdating but this is for 4 weeks

Maternity clothes?

Not yet.

Symptoms?: 

Yes! I've had nausea that comes and goes randomly, complete food aversions and cravings, HOT FLASHES and cold sweats that go BACK AND FORTH... ugh! Bloating, VERY frequent peeing, and an overall feeling of ick.

Stretch Marks?: 

I have plenty left over from the girls but no new ones.

Sleep?: 

I'm very tired.

Movement?: 

Nothing yet. MUCH too early!

Food Cravings?:

Yes! I want three soft taco supremes from Taco Bell with No lettuce! Yum!

Gender: 

Not sure as it is much too early. I am hoping and praying for a beautiful son since I already have two amazing daughters but honestly as long as little one is healthy, I will be very blessed even if I am carrying another daughter.

Belly Button in or out?

In

What I miss: 

A glass of wine, lol

 Best moment of the week: 

Filling out another page in my Belly Book.

What I am looking forward to:

My sonogram on September 4th and getting to see my little bean growing :)

Okay so whether you like it or not with all of my pregnancies I have taken belly pictures at least once a week and kept them in an album. I am planning on doing the same this time since it's fun to look back at the subtle changes my body experiences as my baby grows.



So... 4 weeks and from these photos, I learned I was pregnant about a day before these first ones were taken.

Obviously no changes yet, but considering I already have 2 children under 3, I look pretty darn good!

More week 4 photos!

Sooo... I'm Pregnant!

B  acktracking now a little bit since I've already known I am expecting for about 2 weeks now... let's   find out how I knew, shall we??

Around August 2nd I started having some strange nausea and cramping and a weird pain in my left shoulder that felt like a pin-prick. "This is different." I thought so I picked up a few pregnancy tests. I took the first one with a big fat NEGATIVE.

The next day I got hit with a good wave of nausea and stayed sick for most of the day... but I had another NEGATIVE. The nausea was so strong that I had to buy SeaBands to keep me from getting sick everywhere!

On the morning of August 4th I knew 100% that something was up because my body was acting too strangely! I took a FRER (First Response Early Result) and saw a faint POSITIVE. OMG!
I started shaking and crying! I was so excited and so happy all at the same time! We were going to have another baby! I went back into the bedroom and shook Jeff to wake him up. When he stirred I couldn't wait:

"It's positive! I'm pregnant!" At that moment he was too tired to care and rolled over and went back to sleep.

Obviously, in the days since I got that first positive I have been paranoid of having an evaporation line or a chemical pregnancy...

Definitely POSITIVE!

Welcome

I   always said I was going to do a blog but have never really gotten around to doing it. Well, recent             events have finally spurred this.

Recently we have discovered that we are expecting our 3rd beautiful bundle of joy! And I am the first to admit that I am super excited!

Hopefully this blog will play homage to what is my little baby-to-be :)


ETA: Obviously this was not written on May 1st, 2012 but I deleted what I had before because it was boring, lol. Why not reuse a blog??

August 17, 2012